I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
