I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
