Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
