Umm I'm too high to move.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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