textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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