Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize