I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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