Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
