I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
