I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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