lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
