A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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