I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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