I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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