I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
