you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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