The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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