Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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