i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
