U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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