I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
