my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
