Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize