Kiss
Puke
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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