put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
