He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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