I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
