I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
