I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
