well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
