peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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