Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
