I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
