he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I smell like Dick and happiness
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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