Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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