Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
