the condom got lost in my hair
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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