I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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