I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Of course I have a pirate flag
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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