The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
