Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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