Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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