Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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