I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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