wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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