Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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