Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
