my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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