I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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