Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize