I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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