i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize