Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
