Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
