I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
