the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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