I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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