I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize