Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
