I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Welp...herpes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
