Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize