The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
