apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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